I've tried to make this blog about the highlights in my life, but to also record the learning & growth that have taken place in my heart. I've sat down at my computer five different times today, to write some of my thoughts & make a post. Truth is, I have struggled. I am struggling.
I do NOT like to whine, do not like to dwell on my weaknesses, and for sure tend to rush through the trials in my life just to get them over with. My life is full of wonderful & astounding blessings.
For this I am sure of.
For this I am sure of.
But today? I have muddled my way through. Having a difficult time being positive--not just about me and my family, but this life in general. I have a constant and insatiable yearning in my heart. A flow of negativity & fear that is debilitating.
I have asked myself, "do I have it in me to do this?" "is my failure list longer than my successes?" "Why would the Lord entrust me with such important tasks?" "What can I learn from all this?" "what if I stay this way?"
I have answers to all my questions. And on most days I can answer them with resounding faith, believing that I am able to defeat my enemy, to combat any trial that may come my way, to leap tall buildings with a single bound. To lead my family & partner in my marriage & serve in any capacity. That's what I believe. Most days.
But not so much today. Today was fetal position day. Mental Health challenge day. What's wrong mom? day. Can I do anything for you, babe? day.
Gratefully I know that tomorrow starts fresh. I can have a new outlook. I have the means & the way to pull myself out of this funk that I am in and grab hold of my hopes and dreams.
21 comments:
What a great post! Not great that you feel this way...great that you can be so honest and real. Somedays those supermom/superwoman capes are just in the laundry pile somewhere and can't be found. I hope you find a ray of sunshine... You're a beautiful person! Thinking of you!
Thanks for sharing, Suzie. I completely understand, being a usually-optimistic person myself, that there are some days that simply feel defeating. You express yourself so well.
I hope you'll feel a swell of strength and all the admiration that I'm sending you. And the hugs, too!
I remember one day, shortly after Spencer and I got married that I was feeling a lot like you're describing in this post. That night I knelt down to pray and just started to cry. As I was in my prayer mode I couldn't think of anything to pray for but as I sat there the question "what have you done well" just repeated itself over and over in my head. It was in a very positive way, as though someone were trying to get me to see what I had done right. So I sat and thought for a while about what I had done well/was doing well beginning with the fact that I was saying a prayer and things just kept coming to me.
I think it made me realize that even when your superwoman cape is lost or you're in "survival mode", as I call it, you're still doing a lot more right than you let yourself realize.
Have you ever heard the song Sometimes He Lets it Rain by Katherine Nelson? It always makes me cry when I'm feeling this way but somehow helps me to feel stronger afterward.
I really hope you're having a better day today.
One year ago, almost exactly, I was having a bad...few months. Maybe it was post partum depression, but whatever it was, I literally could not feel happy. I was having a heart to heart with my mom and among other things, she mentioned that exercise is thought to be helpful for depression. The next day I signed up at the gym and I have been 10x's better since. It totally strengthened my testimony of the word of wisdom. It is more than just not drinking and smoking. It is about taking care of your whole body and the results are spiritual and emotional as much as they are physical.
Love you!
You are going to be okay. I know it. You are a SUPERWOMAN! You will prevail!
We all have those days, Suzie. I hope things are on the up and up ASAP! Thinking about you.
somedays it takes a lot of work to "turn that frown upside down"...I know, I have been there. Don't feel guilty about having a "down" time. This too shall pass and happy days will be here again. If not, just tell all of us and we will come over and cheer you up!
I am grateful to know that I am not alone in how I sometimes feel. You are a very wonderful person - you are greatly loved by so many.
Take a day or two to lick your wounds and then maybe you'll feel better. If not, I can be there in 2shakes with lots and lots of chocolate!
Thanks for your honesty--It is reassuring to know that I am not the only one that feels that sometimes--LOTS of people look up to you--myself included.
hey suzie, read your post this morning and have thought of you throughout the day. as you said you know the answers...no need to go there.
Your blogsite is real life, full of ups and downs, happy days and crappy days.
all i can give you is i have been there too. many have. days when you feel less, doomed and can barely manage to get out of bed. I get it.
Love you
and i hope this will pass soon.
this requires a large tube of cookie dough (preferrably eaten directly out of tube with a mixing spoon)and a 64 ounce diet coke!! (or whatever your caffeine poison may be.)
i'm glad to know that i'm not the only one who has those days where i sit in my pj's until it's time to change into OTHER pajamas for that night.....
love you suzie!
Sorry to hear about your bad day. I hate days like that, but on the bright side, the next day is ALWAYS better. At least your family is in tune to you and they are there to help you if you need it.
Wow! What an honest post! That last paragraph might just be my new mantra! Been havin' a few of those days myself lately!
Good luck!
so I read this post last night...way too late to comment. ;) I felt like you were describing my day. Isn't it crazy the difference a day makes. I hope you had a better one today, I did. Thanks for being such a great writer! Always a "real" joy to read.
We all have these days. The thing is some of us don't like to talk about it or deal with it. Kudos to you for laying it all out there. Thanks for your "real" post.
You are a great person...& oh so strong.
Here's a quote about trials I heard yesterday and liked. It's by Henry Ward Beecher: "Affliction comes to us all not to make us sad, but sober; not to make us sorry, but wise; not to make us despondent, but by its darkness to refresh us, as the night refreshes the day; not to impoverish, but to enrich us, as the plough enriches the field; to multiply our joy as the seed, by planting, is multiplied a thousand fold." Hope today is better - you're awesome, Suzie!
Suzie- Dani did good on her interview. I feel like she has lost the spontaneous side to her interview that I loved so much. It feels like she is trying to find just the right thing to say. Other than that she is doing great. She is very mature for her age. I really appreciate how she doesn't have the typical teenager slang.
By the way, I appreciated your blog. It made me feel like I'm not the only person out there that feels that way sometimes!
You amaze me everyday! I love everything about you. You always make me happy when I see you and you are an incredible person. I am sorry you had one of those days but you are truly my hero!
Suzie, we all have these days. You're not alone! I think it was only about 2 weeks ago I did a post about my own little breakdown. You're brave to post about it--and I'm sure you'll get lots of empathy and encouragement. But it's also good to let your vulnerabilities show sometimes so that others can be challeneged to help you and pray for you. I hope today is a better day!
Thank you for sharing, because I never would have known we have this in common because you are always so UP when I see you!
I love you :o)
Your blog is amazing. Today I woke up feeling as you stated in this blog. What an inspiration to hear and know others do the same.
I realize that it's only a day or two and I can muddle through to get to those days that are rich and full.
However, slowly, I'm learning when I put my trust in Heavenly Father and where he is taking me, instead of me trying to control my situation I get better. He lead me to you today and already I am better. Thank you for your honesty and sharing from your heart.
Nanette
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