I spent several days in the hospital after a rough C -section, then went home to a spotless house thanks to some wonderful friends. I remember plopping down on my bed and seeing the bag I had packed just in case. I just felt so sad. I questioned myself and why it happened. Tests concluded that there was no chromological reason or any genetic disorder. He was seemingly healthy, no reason why it happened. This frustrated me a bit.
Every bit of my body grieved for that baby. I developed the photos and would just stare at his little face. Did I mention how adorable he was? Looked just like the rest of my kids.
At 23 weeks he had black eyelashes, light brown hair, teeny tiny fingernails and toes. And an Eagar nose. You just would not believe him. Just so, so cute.
We think of him often & wonder what he'd look like.
First let me say, I have the most tender husband in all the land.
During the 45 minutes that I was still zonked from surgery, Jeremy spent that time with Elijah. In the weeks following I incessantly asked him to recount every minute of that. He patiently did, everytime.
When the doctors took a look at him right after the delivery, they knew he was too tiny to work on although he had a heartbeat!
They broke the news, that he wouldn't make it to a heartbroken man.
Jeremy scooped Eli up, wrapped him in blanket and held him close. They stayed with me for a little while, Jeremy putting Eli close to my face and telling him I was his mommy.
The nurses that talked to me afterwards said they could not help but cry
at that scene. 
He told Eli all about our family, about big sisters Lindsay and Hannah and big brother Keaton. He told him how they wanted to be there to greet him.
He told Eli all about our family, about big sisters Lindsay and Hannah and big brother Keaton. He told him how they wanted to be there to greet him.He then took Eli outside on that beautiful spring day, and held him for a while under a huge, gorgous, flowering Crabapple tree. He held him up so he could feel the warm sunlight and together they smelled the peachy pink blossoms. He made sure he felt the cool breeze on his face and heard the birds chirp.
All the while with tears streaming down his face.
They came back into the hospital where the nurses greeted him and together dressed Eli in a tiny nightgown. The Doctor came and checked his heartbeat, he was still alive!
They met my parents and his parents in the waiting room where they met Eli, and then he came to find me where where we had those 15 minutes together.
Below is one of the poems Jeremy wrote to Eli. We had it printed on the back of the program of the memorial service that we had for Elijah. So precious!
Below is one of the poems Jeremy wrote to Eli. We had it printed on the back of the program of the memorial service that we had for Elijah. So precious!
We had a short service at our ward house on that Saturday. Friends and family filled the chapel.
6 comments:
Yep. This was the post I was waiting for and Yep. I lost it.
I never really connect with my babies when I'm pregnant, including my miscarriage. But seeing that tiny babe, wrapped up and heart still beating. That would have half killed me.
Or, make it all seem more than real. I can't decide.
Thank you for sharing your story. What a sweet, sweet husband you have.
Same here, I lost it as well.
Suzie - this was the hardest one for me.
The love between a father and a child is precious and irreplaceable. The poem is amazing.
just seeing that photo of jeremy with little eli, was more than i could take- i'm sitting here with tears streaming down my cheeks. also read the above post and am so grateful for the list of examples of things that one can do in a time such as this. so many times i don't have any idea of what to do other than bring in a meal and so desperately want to do something more. these were wonderful examlples of love and kindness and service.
thank you so much for sharing this part of your life. thank you.
Oh my goodness. What a precious experience. What a good daddy to have the thought that this baby probably would want to feel the sun and hear the birds. I am sure that little Eli is so grateful for that experience.
that is the most tender thing - i cannot even comment on it
i guess it's a good thing that i don't have to speak and that my fingers don't care if i'm cryingcryingcrying.
in fact, i'm doing the "ugly cry" that wouldn't translate well to a movie or tv screen.
but it feels good.
wow. thank you, suzie
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